i'm 38

17 November 2010, I've turned 38....so close now to the magical 40. Gosh, I wonder how it will be like then. In all honesty, I cant quite imagine than I've lived that long, still feel that I'm in my twenties. Still not wise, still not matured, too much to catch up, lots to learn, still clumsy.

I think Arwah Mak gave birth to Alif and Aida when she was 34 or 36. She passed away only at 48, and Abah met his maker not even at 53. So how long more do I have to live.....

Come to think of it, I don't wanna live longer than probably 50. Even now my sins are too much, what more later. And also, I really wish I'll die first before my hubby. I wouldn't want to be without him. I am too weak to be on my own, the kids need him more than they need me, I'm sure. But am I ready to die? My ibadah is far from enough...and if I were to die tomorrow, I think not many will come to my funeral. I have been too "closed", not wanting to be friends with many, always with doubts about people, not too friendly with relatives, even my sisters find it easier to communicate and share things with my hubby compared to me. And I don't blame them. I'm no fun!