Ziva and me

Just watched NCIS. Motivated to write this post. How different am I from Ziva? In my opinion, we share quite a few characteristic. Here’s why. She is very good at what she does. She has internal debates. She looks up to Gibbs as if he’s her hero and everything in the world. He means everything to her. He is sort of the reason her heart beats normal. She is addicted to a certain coffee. That addiction is what makes her tick. She doesn't have many friends and doesn't like to talk to people, only a select few, people she trust. She is a very closed person, sleeps in coffin, wears outrageous outfit with make-up like a draculla.

Me? I talk to myself all the time, as if I were talking to someone. But it’s just my way to justify or explain situations. I like that so much better than speaking to real people. The reason, most of the times at least, I cannot find anyone compatible to discuss things with. I am addicted to a certain strong substance. Now, after many years, I’ve switched to a lesser addiction, because by Allah’s grace, I have found His path. I need a strong man to whom I can talk to, who would support me all the way, who would be my shoulder to cry on. It used to be my Dad. But now that he is no longer in this world, I need someone else to be my father figure. And I would do to him what a baby girl would do to her dad, taking him as my world. I dream of being a vampire or puntianak. Very convinced that by nature. In fact, the dreams can be so vivid sometimes, me flying, perk on the roof. My hubby said this is not difficult to prove. I was born at the time the sun is right on top of one’s head on a Friday in my village house in Malacca. Very near to the huge tree which villagers say is the puntianak’s lair. I am super sensitive, and I feel that people can be hurt by the littlest things, but at least most of the times, I don't like to relay my feelings to anybody. Then, I am always reminded by my hubby that people are nit like me. They don’t get hurt so easily or even if they do, they would hide it. When I do something which I am not satisfied with or something I thought would hurt people, I would talk to myself as if I am having conversations with the other person. It’s my very own internal debate, and it is what soothes me. When I love someone, not only that I would give my all, but deep down, I know I can go the extend of killing for him. Usually the only life I would end up killing is mine (emotionally as I am still alive). I prefer either talking to myself, or writing it down or talking to my books or computer. Many times I feel like giving up life, too stressed especially over the many types of people I need to deal with, I just want to jump off from a building, fly from tree to tree as if hiding from the world or just trip on something and fall to my death. Alhamdulillah, I think less and have less of suicidal thoughts now. I suppress lots of my anger-motivated feelings.