I wonder
When I look at my children' innocent faces, I wonder what they have in their innocent minds. When I feed my baby boy, and he would usually stare at me as much as I look into his clear eyes, I wonder if he would love me for who I am. Or if he would one day say, "Mama, I wish you are not this person, I wish you're like some one else". Everyday after hubby kiss me goodnight, I wonder if he really will be there for me till my last breath.
That's me, have always been, all my life. Constantly worrying about how people will see me. Even when I was still a child, I know that I have so many weaknesses. And I know that it's most acceptable when people prefer to talk to others than me. I am perfectly aware of people's doubt about being close to me. How come? Because I know who I am. I know from the start. Maybe by nature, maybe by choice. On this, Allah knows. I cannot say I know for sure. I am not a warm person. I don't forgive easy. And I certainly don't forget. Be it towards people's unfairness, or towards people's kindness. Only those few would somehow get against all odds, cope up with my critical and always unsatisfied peculiarities, and become close to me. To these souls, I am forever grateful. It must be challenging for YOU, to be there for me when I am in need. And you are people of few words, always never show your feelings in public, only kind thoughts and deeds matter. I guess that's why we can clique after all ya! And my other half. I know you don't read my blog, because you've always respected my privacy. Thank you guys. May Allah bless you always.
Elusive. Avoiding people whenever I can. Live my life in private. So that I will not hurt too many with my coldness. Enough that I only hurt myself.
I know I can never ask for anything out of you who care for me, my children, hubby, my siblings and a few others. I don't want to. I have no right to ask for anything. And you have the right to do and feel anything.
But I want to do this, I want to live my life peacefully and give peace to people who care for me, I want to live happily and make people who love me happy, I want to wake up every day with the least reason to sulk, I want to sleep every night feeling at ease with everything and everybody around me. I want to live the rest of my life remembering Abah and Mak and how they taught me to be humble and work hard, never be ungrateful to people who are kind, always be thankful for the rezeki blessed by Allah, thanking my God for making me this way. These I want to do. Not easy for one with so many limitations, one who is meant to be this way, but I pray to Allah that I'll have the strength to do so. And as I always told myself and my other half, if I can ask for one thing now, I'd ask that Allah take me away from this world early. It sometimes get too painful for me to bear. Ameen.
That's me, have always been, all my life. Constantly worrying about how people will see me. Even when I was still a child, I know that I have so many weaknesses. And I know that it's most acceptable when people prefer to talk to others than me. I am perfectly aware of people's doubt about being close to me. How come? Because I know who I am. I know from the start. Maybe by nature, maybe by choice. On this, Allah knows. I cannot say I know for sure. I am not a warm person. I don't forgive easy. And I certainly don't forget. Be it towards people's unfairness, or towards people's kindness. Only those few would somehow get against all odds, cope up with my critical and always unsatisfied peculiarities, and become close to me. To these souls, I am forever grateful. It must be challenging for YOU, to be there for me when I am in need. And you are people of few words, always never show your feelings in public, only kind thoughts and deeds matter. I guess that's why we can clique after all ya! And my other half. I know you don't read my blog, because you've always respected my privacy. Thank you guys. May Allah bless you always.
Elusive. Avoiding people whenever I can. Live my life in private. So that I will not hurt too many with my coldness. Enough that I only hurt myself.
I know I can never ask for anything out of you who care for me, my children, hubby, my siblings and a few others. I don't want to. I have no right to ask for anything. And you have the right to do and feel anything.
But I want to do this, I want to live my life peacefully and give peace to people who care for me, I want to live happily and make people who love me happy, I want to wake up every day with the least reason to sulk, I want to sleep every night feeling at ease with everything and everybody around me. I want to live the rest of my life remembering Abah and Mak and how they taught me to be humble and work hard, never be ungrateful to people who are kind, always be thankful for the rezeki blessed by Allah, thanking my God for making me this way. These I want to do. Not easy for one with so many limitations, one who is meant to be this way, but I pray to Allah that I'll have the strength to do so. And as I always told myself and my other half, if I can ask for one thing now, I'd ask that Allah take me away from this world early. It sometimes get too painful for me to bear. Ameen.
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